it's a thunderstorm outside

…the lightning glows between the blinds and the thunder is just loud enough that we both hear it. maybe if it wasn’t 1:00am on a tuesday night we’d be together right now.

maybe we’d hold hands and run in the rain like you promised. maybe i’d fall asleep in your arms as the rain hit the window.

but we’re not together. so your “sleep tight and i’ll see you in the morning” text will just have to do.

saturday night wishes

you picked up your shirt, your shoes. and at 3:04 am, you slipped out the door.

i wish it didn't hurt to watch you go. but it did. i even left your side of the bed open. i wish i didn't.

i also wish a tear didn't fall down my cheek. i wish i didn't miss you. but i did and i still do.

...no strings attached?

One day, something changed between you and me. I don’t know what the trigger was. Maybe it was the handfuls of alcohol-driven text messages or the late nights spent listening to each other breathe. Somewhere along the way, it was deep-rooted in each of us that I meant something to you and you meant something to me.

Our first night. It feels like a dream when I think about it. Not because it was magical or even special, but because I still don’t feel as if it happened. Like you would take the reach toward me. But my head rested so perfectly on your shoulder, and your fingers traced my spine gently. When we breathed in the same rhythm and our minds got tired, you kissed me. It wasn’t gentle and it wasn’t sweet. It was passionate and just what I hoped it would be. For the sixty minutes that followed, I belonged to you and you belonged to me.

We stayed apart for a week. Together we acknowledged that something was happening between us, but we weren’t going to talk about it. I was okay with that. I spent the week wondering what you meant to me and you spent the week with your ex-girlfriend. I was still figuring it all out.

Things were consistent upon our return. I had a stressful day and you invited me to your room. You held me in such a way that I forgot everything else. You kissed me fearlessly, and let me rest my head on your pillow. By now, people noticed there was an “us.” I’m completely comfortable around you and that scares me. You open the door of the car for me, introduce me to all your friends, bring me coffee, and call me “sunshine.”

You don’t even need to charm me anymore. You know what I want, and how to hide it from me. Likewise, I know how to get you all to myself…and that’s exactly what I’m doing. Maybe I deserve better than you, but that doesn’t mean we can’t keep enjoying each other’s company. No. Strings. Attached.

That can’t be possible. The attachment is already there. I see it in your eyes. I feel it in every single kiss. Something makes you stand out. Your skin on mine is just different. One person has never made me feel this way. With you, I surrender my body, my heart, my mind. I feel it all. I’ve spent so many years numb in my ways, and every time you touch me…I wake up.

and at 12:25 in the morning,

...my phone lit up.

"You love it when I call you Sunshine."

I smiled as I typed back, "yes, yes I do."

The response came quickly, and lit up my face more than anything else. "Have you ever heard the song "Sunshine" by Matt Costa? I hum it whenever I'm around you."

there was never

...another so clever as he
pockets hanging deep with silver and gold
better leave him hungry,
when he's full he'll leave me cold
loved with every kind of woman from north to south
loved the east till the west dried
he keeps hanging around,
he's knocking my door down
...but won't tell me why

he just smiles all the while
while the secrets hang
at my window, i let them in so

show me the side i wanna see tonight

he keeps me up on these fences
i don't know when to jump in
or what side i am to trust you with
all your intentions
don't you teach me to learn from lies
just show me a side, a side

some days

There are some days you peer off the Brisbane Bridge
...and think sweet thoughts about the river.
There are some days when the past is just
A maze where you lost yourself
Do you feel that you might waste away?

In the past week or so, I've had lots of these days. Where I struggle with the idea of "worth", and contemplate major life decisions. And the action I could (should?) take. I've watched everything I had slip through my fingers time and time again, so I must be doing something wrong. I'm going to figure it out and fix it.

Maybe I'll move 2,000 miles from here. "Get a job, buy a house, and keep it clean just so." Live in the parameters of convention and never look back. That can't be enough, can it? Watching my friends flip ambiguous red cups onto the counter and laugh off anything they previously believed made me sad. Seeing them so happy made me sad. I wasn't meant for that. There's got to be something else and I'm going to find it.

I'm surrounded by question marks. Nothing seems fulfilling anymore. Literally nothing. The things that brought me happiness in highschool seem empty now. The people I surrounded myself with seem distant. The relationships I had are messy and beyond repair. What I love and who I love are no longer definite.

I just want to live my life honestly.

"i can read people really well,"

he said, turning to look at me in the passenger seat. after a brief pause, he continued.

"but you have an outer layer that i can't get past. i can't always tell what you're thinking. i like that. every moment is a mystery."

he smiled and my face turned red as he said, "that's why i like you so much."

don't pay no mind to my watering eyes

...it must be something in the air that i'm breating


oh and try to ignore all this blood on the floor

it's just this heart on my sleeve that's bleeding

some pray that one day, christ will come a-calling

they light a candle and hope that it glows


i think this is pretty self-explanatory. i feel as if reality has faded into the background for lots of people. and the light of their candle won't fully light their life. but as long as they believe it does, i've got a chance.