return from summer

hello,
and from there where else can we go?
hello,
a song,
i'm expected now to play along
with a song.

you crook,
just a boy sitting there with his book
...and a smile that the camera took
leaving you just the same as you always looked

as for me,
i'm as changed as a girl can be
can't you see
that i've flown
to the edges of the earth and home?
i've flown from your chair
i can tell you can tell it from there
...that i may have been everywhere

but i'm back,
back to the starting square

in my nights
i have bargained with the eastern lights
in my nights,
we've met
and the trouble was no trouble at all
and forget,
dreaming we spoke
chalked it up to a terrible joke
and then we each took ahold of the rope
with one match
and the problem went up in smoke

it's just there,
it's not right or wrong or fair
it's just there,
a big heart,
a rotten ending and a fumbling start
a big heart,
and isn't it so
that when i see you at the end of this show
that we'll start with the places we know?

and walk along
down the road that we always go

everything i wanted

waking up with you makes me feel alive
and every kiss you give still takes me by surprise
so i thought that i would tell the world today
my life has changed, so i'll say...

you're not a stranger, you're not just a friend
you're not just a lover who's sleeping in my bed
you're what i came for, always thinking of
you are everything i wanted out of love

you watch me with your eyes,
you give me all your time
someone i can't forget,
and i always dreamed i'd find
so i thought i'd tell the world today
all because of you i'll never be the same

you're not a stranger, you're not just a friend
you're not just a lover who's sleeping in my bed
you're what i came for, always thinking of
you are everything i wanted out of love

so many times i've told you so
well i guess i've wanted you to know...

be with you tonight

there's something in the air tonight
i feel it my bones...
i'm just a little restless, reckless,
don't wanna be alone
i need to feel your body next to mine
burning up my skin
i get a little crazy, baby, every now and then

and i don't wanna do what i wanna do
'cause i know what i wanna do wouldn't be right
but i don't wanna sleep,
i just wanna keep somebody up all night

so i call you,
like i always do when i'm lonely
to tell the truth
i just wanna be with you tonight
i know you're not mine
but sometimes i can't get you off my mind
and i just wanna be with you tonight

i won't ask for promises
or try to make you stay
it's enough to see you, breathe you
sharing the same space

and i don't wanna do what i wanna do
'cause i know what i wanna do wouldn't be right
but i don't wanna sleep,
i just wanna keep somebody up all night

so i call you,
like i always do when i'm lonely
to tell the truth
i just wanna be with you tonight
i know you're not mine
but sometimes i can't get you off my mind
and i just wanna be with you tonight

i won't say it

if there's a prize for rotten judgement,
...i guess i've already won that
no man is worth the aggravation
that's ancient history, been there, done that

who'd you think you're kidding?
he's the earth and heaven to you!
try to keep it hidden, honey we can see right through
girl you can't conceal it, we know how you're feelin'
...and who you're thinking of

no chance, no way, i won't say it

you swoon, you sigh, why deny it?

it's too cliche, i won't say i'm in love...

i thought my heart had learned its lesson
it feels so good when you start out
my head is screaming, "get a grip, girl!"
...unless you're dying to cry your heart out

you keep on denying who you are and how you're feeling
baby we're not buying, hon we saw you hit the ceiling
face it like a grown-up, when you gonna own up
that you got, got, got it back?

no chance, no way, i won't say it, no no

give up, give in...check the grin, you're in love

this scene won't play, i won't say i'm in love
you're way off base, i won't say it
get off my case, i won't say it

girl don't be proud,
it's okay, you're in love

atleast at loud...i won't say i'm in love

worried about

i'm too worried about what you're doing
are you worried about what i'm doing too?
...what you're doing to me; why can't you see?

and who could blame you, i made it so complicated
if i just drain you till working it out is overrated
but why are we so blind to see that truth and love:
they could overcome...

i'm too worried about what you're doing
you're not worried about what i'm doing too
what you're doing to me; wanna be free

i can't change you, nor was that my intention
please explain your earnest words are just shucking and jiving
you like to see your thumb on me, just checking in
...make it begin again

oh my heart, my heart's gonna break again
oh my god, my god won't forsake again
oh mercy, i want to be taken in

i'm too worried about what you're doing
you're not worried about what i'm doing too
what you're doing to me, honey why can't you see?

i'll stop worrying about what you're doing
'cause you're not worried about what i'm doing too
and then you will see...what it's like to be me

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which I will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh…And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill
of under me you quite so new

-ee cummings

i know it's wrong

you watch me undress, you watch me glow
let my hair down and cover us both
you come in waves ; we crash and we roll
you surround me, pull me, drown me, swallow me whole

you're turning me on like a slow fire burn
i know it's wrong
still i run right into you

you pull me in close, you buckle my knees
i shake and i shiver just to feel you breathe
you trace my lines ; stirring my soul
shoot sparks at the heart of the world and i watch it explode

you're turning me on like a slow fire burn
i know it's wrong
still i run right into you

i'm pacing and you're beside me
i am so much more
i feel your fingers pound like thunder
and i am so much more

they sleep with hornets

and they wonder why they wake up stung.

here's to all the pretty words we will never speak
here's to all the pretty girls you're gonna meet

I don't like the way I never listen to myself
I feel like I'm on fire, I'm too shy to cry for help
I don't think you warned me much at all...

"Got your postcard today :) from "Boston" Haha. Even though it had a Cincinnati postmark. Super cute."

i'm pressed like a flower between both your covers
and you spun me a story in which we're both lovers

i'm as good as a bookmark,

i'm just holding her place

you'll want to learn her again

then you'll throw me away

downfall

Who are we to be emotional
Who are we to play with hearts and throw away it all
Who are we to turn each others heads
Who are we to find ourselves in other people's beds

I don't like the way I never listen to myself
I feel like I'm on fire, I'm too shy to cry for help
I don't think you know me much at all

This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall
I'm feeling down about this love

Who are you to make me feel so good
Who are we to tell ourselves that we're misunderstood
Who am I to say I'm always yours
Who am I to choose the boy that everyone adores

I don't see a reason why we can't just be apart
Now we're falling on each other like we're always in the dark
I don't think you warned me much at all...

This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall

This love is not what you want
This heart will never be yours
This love is be and end all
This love will be your downfall

hard hearted, don't worry i'm ready for a fight

unnerved, the nerve, you're nervous...

...nervous that i'm right.

"the one"

i got to see this boy i know
i couldn't wait for us to be alone
flippin' through the radio
we sing along to the indie show
the songs they play mean more than i can say

and the tape i made you,
hope you think of me when it plays through
i'm kinda sad now that it's done
you think my time's for free
in all the ways that you say to me
sweet versions of "let's wait and see"

you're always a golden boy
and i'm the girl that you enjoy
my parents say, "isn't he a gifted son?"
time is always passing by
but still i have to wonder why
you can't come to tell me i'm the one

summer goes and we have grown
we have our friends, live on our own
still i'm not the girl you want me to be
say gravity can bend the time,
funny, i always liked your mind
but this whole thing is crushing me

but you're always a golden boy
and this girl's heart that you destroy
you smile at me and then you have your fun
time is always passing by
but still i give you another try
and hope that you will see i'm the one

you say you're scared to get too close,
come let's see how this goes
see what i've known for so long
sad that you could be so lovely and so wrong

the last four months of my life i've thought about you
....pretty much every fifteen seconds

grey skies seem right

grey skies seem right, an encore to last night
your song played on and on and on
...while i fought with the bed
sheet wrapped me tight, said it'll be alright
just sleep and the night will pass on by
close your eyes...

'cause every touch is satisfied
every kiss is right on time
every time i say "i miss you tonight"
...grey skies seem right

laying still on your side, the ache i feel contrasts the smile
the sense you left with me is filling up my mind
so i close my eyes

every touch is satisfied
every kiss is right on time
every time i say "i miss you tonight"

...grey skies seem right

june 6, 2011.

it’s the first day since november 25, 2010 that we haven’t spoken. for 194 straight days, we were an active part of each others’ lives (no exceptions). that’s a long, long time.

i can’t say that i regret it, but i can’t say it wasn’t a waste of time. we fell in love and we fell right back out. all i need now is space and time, and you’re going to give it to me. because i’m not giving you a choice.

the end is coming, darling. i’m bringing the news.

spontaneous weekend, part two.

It was 2:00 Friday afternoon and I was driving through the suburbs of Louisville, trying to find your car. I’d be driving the remaining two hours back to my house. I helped you put your bags in my trunk, and you grabbed my elbow. I wrapped my arms around you, and you wouldn’t let go. No one’s ever held me so tight. When you finally released me, you smiled and said “There’s a Smoothie King up the road. My treat.” It’s amazing how quickly we can fall into every habit that we used to have.

After lots of driving, casual conversation and dinner, I prepared you for the night. I introduced you to my three best friends as well as my family. You impressed them just like I knew you would. You made my friends laugh. You swept my mother off of her feet. We drank cosmos and played catchphrase with my friends. All five us watched tv, and I had never been so happy. You even fearlessly grabbed my hand, right there for everyone to see. And that was something you had never done before. You were such a gentleman on Friday. You even gave me three soft “goodnight” kisses before I fell asleep.

spontaneous weekend, part one.

Wednesday night, my phone rang. The screen lit up, and I held my breath when I saw your name glowing back at me. I stammered a “Hello?” before the comfort of your voice swept over me. You sounded more than happy to talk to me, and I was transported back to the months we’d had before.

“Do you still want to do this…weekend thing?” I could hardly let you finish before I exclaimed, “YES!” We both paused. “I mean, only if you want to.” That was my attempt to sound less desperate. “Well then. I’l try and leave my house by 9:00 Friday morning. I’ll text you with my ETA.” It was like we could hear each other smiling. “See you then.” I hung up the phone.

hiding my heart

i dropped you off at the train station
put a kiss on top of your head
watched you wave, i watched you wave

then i went on home to my sky-scrapers
neon lights and waiting papers
that i call home, i call it home

i wish i could lay down beside you when the day is done
wake up to your face against the morning sun
but like everything i've ever known
you'll disappear one day
so i'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

i woke up feeling heavy hearted
and going back to where i started
morning rain, morning rain

and though i wish that you were near
that same old road that brought me here is calling me home

new game plan

humor me this one last time
i think i just made up my mind
looking at me like a lover does
but it'll never be the way it was

feel that chord that holds us tight
let's unravel it tonight

i wanna loosen up, loosen the knot
the knot that is tying us,
binding us,
keeping us together now

undermining what i do
...no one does it better than you
when you change your attitude
things will change between me and you
but the end is coming, darling
and i'm bringing the news

said i would give it up, toughen up
like it or not...
baby it's all that is stopping us
keeping us together now

humor me this one last time.

my biggest fear

digging a hole
and the walls are caving in behind me
air's getting thin,
i'm trying, i'm breathing in
...come find me

it hasn't felt like this before
it hasn't felt like home before you
i know it's easy to say
but it's harder to feel, this way

i miss you more than i should,
than i thought i could
...can't get my mind off of you

i know you're scared that i'll soon be over it
but that's part of it all
part of the beauty of falling in love with you
is the fear...you won't fall

i hate the phone
but i wish you'd call
i thought that being alone
was better than, better than...

i know it's easy to say
but it's harder to feel, this way
i miss you more than i should
than i thought i could
...can't get my mind off of you

memorial day weekend

been up all night, staring at you
wondering what's on your mind
i've been this way with so many before
...but this feels like the first time

you want the sunrise to go back to bed
i want to make you laugh
mess up my bed with me
kick off the covers, i'm waiting
every word you say,
i think i should write it down
i don't want to forget come daylight
i'm happy to lay here i'm happy to be here
i'm happy to know you

play me a song, your newest one
please leave your taste on my tongue

paperweight, on my back
cover me like a blanket
and no need to worry, that's wasting time
and no need to wonder what's been on my mind
...it's you, it's you

and i give up, i let you win
you win 'cause i'm not counting
you made it back to sleep again
i wonder what you're dreaming

me and you

there was a day that i could sit face-to-face with you
but now that i'm away, i can't sleep the night through

remember the time in your kitchen with wine,
dancing to the tunes of our blues...

i'm going out, i'm gonna make a name for me and you
they can never say i never cared for you
'cause it's just not true

i care for you.

time-lapse lifeline

i'm keeping up, keeping up with the time-lapse lifeline
and they can run, they can run from the font to the last rites
and we can hear, we can hear the first beat to the flat line
i'm keeping up, keeping up with the time-lapse lifeline
and once it's done...

oh we dreamed a life
it was just like that,
and just like that it's done

back it up, back it up, stop, fast-forward, rewind
and watch the sun, watch the moon taking turns in the same sky
and you were dead as the leaves now you're new like the spring-time
back it up, back it up, stop, fast-forward, rewind
and once it's done...

oh we dreamed a life
it was just like that
and just like that it's done

still we stand with the help of a steady hand
capture images of boy and man
...till it's done
and seven years combined is just the flicker of a neon sign
little negatives of hopes refined
till they're done, oh they're done...

oh we dreamed a life
it was just like that
and just like that

and just like that it's done.

the way it is

i can’t believe the mess i’m in
i hope i don’t end as i began
i’m walking on, looking back
speaking a code you cannot crack

oh, what the hell?
i’m clear as a bell
i’m probably screaming it as well

i’ve never been good anyway
i’m not saying things i shouldn’t say
the way it is, i can’t complain
i would love to drive you insane
but i’m not on your mind
it’s in my head
and it’s me who’s insane instead

i’ll count to three, i’ll count to ten
and then i’m never talking again
silence please, won’t you take away
all those stupid words that ruin my day
the way it is, i can’t complain
i would love to drive you insane
but i’m not on your mind
it’s in my head and it’s me who’s insane instead

i’ll be wishing on a random star tonight
you’ll be sleeping under different skies tonight
and i’ll pick you up when you don’t fall
and i’ll come running when you don’t call

the way it is
i can’t complain
i would love to drive you insane
but i’m not on your mind
it’s in my head and it’s me who’s insane instead

i can’t believe the mess i’m in
hope i don’t end as i began

this is how it goes

in the beginning, i thought about every word i sent you. i was nervous to look you in the eyes. i was scared i would eventually do something wrong.

then we were more than comfortable. i could spend hours just being with you. there was no more guessing, no more butterflies, and it was perfect. i enjoyed every minute of it.

but now we’re back where we started. i’m scared i’ll say the wrong thing. scared i talk to you too much. scared that you’re over me. scared that this whole thing was a mistake.

it's distance

It was 8:13pm. We were in the middle of a conversation already, and you interrupted its rhythm. The words filled my screen: “:) miss you.”

I would’ve bet money that you would never tell me that. I couldn’t see you admitting such an emotion. I paused and replied that it was mutual. After I sent my reply, I couldn’t help but wonder if you regretted your admittance.

last night in nashville

Today I took two finals. I drank two Red Bulls and packed up my entire room. I fit nine months of my life into the trunk of my 1991 Volvo. All that livin' in two semesters, and the boxes are all that remain.

When the sun went down, Jilian and I drove to Zach & Josh's. When we walked in, The Office was on tv and Zach was making omelets. Zach, Josh, Dave, Rachel, Jil and I told stories about highschool. We went into the yard and opened two bottles of champagne, shooting the corks across the street. The semester was over. We were another year older, and another year wiser. We laughed over our drinks, and ate ice cream from a huge tub. Secretly, each of us was in denial that we'd be returning to our respective cities in only a few hours.

As the night reached a lull, we dragged living room furniture onto the front porch of the house. It was a perfect 75 degrees, and the moon was a dull light. Zach lit 3 cigars and we passed them around. It was Jil's first time and she didn't choke. We clapped for her. Rachel took pictures with a vintage camera. The sweet vanilla smoke rolled off the porch and down Granny White Pk, past the park, and into the night.

We reflected on our first year of college, and how the next three years would change us. Before we knew it, it was past 2:00am. The hardest thing to do was to walk out that kitchen door. To say bye to the people that had been my life for the past year. But I grabbed my car keys and drove back to campus. I sang along to my favorite Sara Bareilles record with the windows down. It wasn't long before I realized a tear ran down my cheek as I pulled into the parking garage for the last time.

last kiss

It was 8:30 in the morning. We had woken up forty minutes prior, with smiles on our faces. We then rolled around in your bed as quietly as we could, laughing at how 'rebellious' we were to break the rules. Then, with my hand on your chest and your arm around my waist, you leaned into me. I think that was our last kiss.

lock and key

“He was not my boyfriend. On the other hand, he wasn’t just a friend either. Instead, our relationship was elastic, stretching between those two extremes depending on who else was around, how much either of us had to drink, and other varying factors. This was exactly what I wanted, as commitments had never really been my thing. And it wasn’t like it was hard, either. The only trick was never giving more than you were willing to lose.”

-Sarah Dessen, Lock and Key

your friends are sorry for me

they watch you pretend to adore me

...but i'm no fool to this game

now here comes your secret lover

she'll be unlike any other

until your guilt goes up in flames

did you know when you go

it's the perfect ending to the bad day

i'd gotten used to spending

when you go, all i know

is you're my favorite mistake.

it's a lovesick mistake

oh, here goes my curious sinner within...

is someone listening?

i hope no one is listening

how do i slow down?

i can't relate to my heart now

i've thrown what i've known

is it enough for me out?

i'm running on empty

i've gotta find somewhere

fumble right through this new heartache

that's torn me apart

oh lovesick mistake, turn me away.

darling if i'm honest

if i'm honest,
you've been on my mind all day
and lately,
if i'm honest,
i can't bring myself to think no other way

i've been doing all kinds of reckless things
to forget your face
going out on the town,
spreading around all that love i kept for you

but no one touches me like you used to
it's a shame, but it's true
nobody loves me the way that you used to

darling,
i've been moving,
through seas of faces hoping to meet your stare
dancing,
towards any strangers who have your crazy eyes
or wavy golden hair

i've been trying all kinds of useless ways
just to push it all down
like spinning around,
spinning around, till i fall straight to the ground

but no one touches me like you used to
it's a shame, but it's true
nobody holds me the way that you used to

so i painted over all the cracks
but now your paint is peeling back

it's a shame, but true
nobody loves me the way that you used to

breathe again

all i have, all i need

he's the air i would kill to breathe

holds my love in his hands

but still i am searching for something

out of breath, i am left hoping

someday i will breathe again.

everything that weighs us down

and all the things we won't let go

when we try to throw them out to sea

...we learn they're heavier than we ever knew

here's a secret

so many people have told me that i'm one of the strongest people they know. that my strength is inspiring.

but i'm not strong at all. i'm so very weak. example? today i sobbed uncontrollably in my car because i was so overwhelmed. there are hundreds of things boiling inside of me. they bubble over and seep into my blood. the only thing i do right is my facade.

that's right. i'm a master at making it seem like i've got it all together.

i'm blushing on the inside,

...it's those damn green eyes.

i'm surprised how this fits together

i'm surprised how we fit together

and that i will remember.

my life at this moment

it's not the end of the world,
it's not even over, but it will be soon
i never learned my lessons, i just changed my tune
no one seems to notice, but you will

it's no big deal,
but the last thing i think of when i close my eyes
and the first thing on my mind when i rise
it is that day when you're not really in my life

you can try and you won't find it where you're looking
you can't hold it till it's putty in your hands
you can't break a heart that wasn't even yours to break
you could never be there for me in the end
and i will do the right thing...
...i will

you're not fooling me,
i'm not the sort of girl who can't see reason
but it's nothing that a little bit of time won't heal
i know it don't come easy, but i love you, i do

coming clean
means never closing curtains, i just change my scene
oh but you know what i mean
and i will learn throughout my life
to never lean on what will bend

i can try and you won't find it where i'm looking
i can't hold it till it's putty in my hands
you can't break a heart that wasn't even yours to break
you could never be there for me in the end
and i will do the right thing...
...i will

i don't think you ever learned a thing from me
but i'm sure that you want me to learn from you
and you've drawn heavy-handed lines around morality
about yourself and i don't share your point of view

it's been time to let you go a thousand times
you'll never know that it hurts to be the one you'd regret
i have to say that i'm proud to know you
...and i'll never be the same because we met

you might not miss this,
but i will

so. much. stress.

I was in hysterics tonight. Laughing myself to tears because I was so stressed. School interviews, trying to find classes to register for in the morning, writing a paper in spanish, and studying for an oral exam. I suddenly felt overwhelmed and wanted to curl up. Then receiving texts from my family at home made my blood pressure rise, and I literally couldn't wrap my mind around the pain and stress that had overcome me. I had to actually remind myself to breathe.

It's midnight (or 3 minutes after), and I'm going to just take a shower and go to sleep. I want to break down sobbing, but I'm stronger than that. I'll wake up at 6:30, register for classes, and start studying. Then I'll turn in my paper and take my exam. It'll be over with. Until I start working on all of my homework due monday.

A very special woman (who happens to be my mother and one of my best friends) once told me to take the elephant one bite at a time. That's exactly what I'm going to do. That woman means the world to me, and if she believes in me, that's all I need.

it was nice

walking through the wind to find your car

driving for ten minutes downtown and back

and talking like we've known each other for years

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

we've never shared such genuine smiles

and i think it finally occurred to you

just how far away i'd be in two weeks time

and just how close our hearts really were

monday night

"can i have some tea?"

was all it took for you to come over.

deep down, i was still so angry at you.

still, i put my head on your shoulder.

and we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

you held me so tight and played with my hair.

and i can't believe i let you kiss me.

i can't believe we breathed in just as we did before.

...considering i'm not the girl for you anymore.

gonna get over you

.
goodbye,
i should be sayin' that to you, now shouldn't i?
laying down a law that i live by
...maybe next time.

i've got a thick tongue,
brimming with the words that go unsung
i simmer then i burn for a someone
...the wrong one

i tell myself to let the story end
and my heart will rest in someone else's hand
but why not me? philosophy began
and i said:

how am i gonna get over you?
i'll be alright, just not tonight
and someday i wish you'd want me to stay
i'll be alright, just not tonight
someday...

maybe,
it's a vicious little word that could slay me
keep me where i'm hurting,
you make me hang from your hands

but no more,
i won't beg for a shot at your back door
if i'm makin it at the thought of you, what for?
that's not me anymore

and i'm not the girl that i intend to be
but i dare you darling, wait and see
this time not for you, just for me

how am i gonna get over you?

these are feelings lingering

you feel it break down, makes you stay wide-awake
…this is how a heart breaks

Heartbreak. It happens to everyone. I should consider myself lucky that I made it nineteen whole years without ever feeling emotionally attached to someone. Then you came along and screwed it all up. I wasn't in love, I wasn't looking for anything serious. I was lonely and so were you. And then I felt it. I ached whenever you left and yearned to kiss you one more time. I couldn't get you out of my mind.

I have never felt the kind of hurt I feel right now. It's far worse than any physical pain I could be put through. My feelings weren't worth anything to you. "I value you as a friend" is one of the worst sentences I've ever heard. Oh, and "I thought we weren't going to define [what we're doing]." Right. We weren't. But that was when I wanted someone, anyone. Now I wanted you. Fire in my heart, blood on your hands.

I would've been okay with whatever fling we conjured up, except for the fact that it was obvious I wasn't the only one in your life. I could see that clear as day. I was so blind that you were as far as I could see. I lost interest in everyone else. But you're still crazy about her. I know you are. Why did you lead me on? It seems as though she's always been a part of your life, and it disgusts me that you dared to try and stack your cards.

One person has never made me so happy and so sad. I love you more than I understand, but I hate you more than any person that's ever laid a hand on me. I exposed myself to you entirely, and you just turned away. How can you still lay down next to me at night and feel nothing?

I wish I felt nothing. Sometimes, when you kissed me, I wanted to cry. You broke over me like a wave, and occasionally it was more than I could take. The ways in which you touched me sent electricity through my veins.

If I could pretend to fall a little out of love with you…I can't. It's very clear to me that I need to stop this now, because It's really just a lose-lose situation. Why keep torturing myself? The thing is, I can't even imagine letting you go. The things we did cannot be undone.

So yes, this is a broken heart. No, I'm not naive or a little "confused." I'm torn up and upset, all because I decided to let you in. I'll learn from you, though. So that I do remember to never go that far, could you leave me with a scar?

but life's too short

if it works, then it works

...let it go

and i'm sorry i ever got you started

when it rains, it pours, and it shows

mornings

maybe i should have you over in the morning more often. we start the day off right. you give me a smile to wear for the rest of the day, and i give you one right back. and even when you leave, you leave your smell with me. in my hair, on my lips, on my clothes. it's the sweetest thing...

punch him or laugh?

him: just texting another one of my hoes...
me: woooooow.
him: sorry. you're the only one.
him: sorry again. ALSO, you are not a hoe.
him: seriously though you're the only girl i'm with.

every single time

every single time you text me, i catch myself smiling.

good feelings

it's a truly amazing feeling to fall asleep next to someone.

knowing that there is nowhere else you want to be.

just listening to them breathe as you feel their heartbeat.

but i think it's an even better feeling to wake up to them smiling.

this morning at breakfast

i looked at you and said, "people often tell me to be careful--"

and before i could even finish, you said: "with me? you should be careful with me."

i swallowed hard. you knew exactly what i meant.

you continued, "and you are."

you make me merry,

you make me very very happy

but you obviously didn't want to stick around

...so i'll learn from you.

you got a vibe so hot

and every day without you is just a waste of time
you're the first thing on my mind when i wake up
you're the last thing i think of when i go to sleep
i'm throwin' you my love, so pick it up

and you can have me anytime you want...

i want you now,
i want you right now.

i want to hook you up
boy, i'm gonna set you on fire
i wanna turn your volume up
and listen to you all day long

isn't funny how you just keep runnin' into me
i've been listening to your music for awhile

and you can have me really anytime you want...

public displays of affection are for couples in love.

private displays of affection are for lonely people.

"filling quotas"

tonight we went to dinner. you tried to pay for my meal and i wouldn't let you. i hate that i couldn't stop smiling.

afterwards, you followed me to my room. we watched a two-hour documentary about wilco. you know how to relieve all my stress. i hate the way you held me so close.

then i remembered that we're just filling each other's quotas. and we'll never be anything more. and i think i hate that, too.

are we breakin' up?

are we breakin' up?

is there trouble between you and i?

did my heart break enough,

did it break enough this time?

just write it out.

I'm dealing with a lot of emotions right now. I can't seem to make up my mind about anything, and keeping it all pent up in my head is driving me insane. So I'm going to do what I do best...write about it.

And my head told my heart,
"Let love grow,"
But my heart told my head,
"This time no,
This time no."

I'm not going to censor or edit this, I'm just going to keep writing. So here we go. Every single relationship I've been in, I've worked extremely hard to numb my emotions. To not get attached. To not feel anything. So when it's all over, I don't get hurt. That worked pretty well for me. But then you swept in. I'm still not entirely sure what made you come after me, but you did. And maybe you were genuinely interested then...but I didn't fill your expectations.

Then we saw each other more. I told you practically everything I had to tell. I started to wonder if I was interested. Then you changed your mind at the drop of a hat, and you wrote me to tell me you had a girlfriend. A split-second decision. You said you would complain to me the whole time, because it would end up not working out. I couldn't even begin to comprehend why you would start a relationship, knowing that it wouldn't work from day one.

Well, that "relationship" lasted maybe ten days. It plummeted to the ground, and I was still beyond angry and confused. It never crossed my mind that you were the one at fault. She was the victim. Last night, 'she' saw you and me together. We didn't look her way. Moments later, she happened to update her twitter. "#waitaminute, she deserves better than you. I only wish I could tell her myself." There's no way I can convince myself that that's not a coincidence.

I was convinced I had been "friend-zoned." Then the night before spring break, you invited me to your room. We were going to go a whole week without seeing each other. The room got really quiet and you kissed me. An hour later, I fixed my hair, found my shoes, grabbed my keys, and left. I had no idea what was going to happen next.

I spent the week in the Florida sun trying to make sense of everything. If you really wanted a relationship, you'd approach it like one. And that's definitely not what we were doing. But I couldn't stop thinking about you. Even the guys in hot tubs that asked for my number couldn't wipe my memory of you. At the exact same time, you spent the week in bed with your ex-girlfriend. I figured it was a one-time thing for us.

But we returned and everything was normal. I made the decision to use you, so I would never feel like I was being used myself. I called you when I was lonely, and you showed up in seconds. It was perfect. Then the very same ex came to visit. Three whole days in which you pretended I didn't exist. But you had the nerve to introduce me to her. You had the nerve to force me to shake her hand, and then sleep in my bed later that night.

Then you caught me. I let my guard down, and you swept right in. We kissed, we touched, and I felt it all. I got so caught up in everything that I blinded myself. I fell for you, and I fell hard. I didn't want to. It seemed like you were all that I had.

But you didn't feel the same. You liked everything the way it was. It was emotionally draining...to spend all night tangled up in you, then sit across from you at lunch the next day, surrounded by our friends who know nothing of what we do when the lights go out. We pretended that nothing happened. And I hated it.

I don't think you want to lose your bachelor title. You've got it made right now, and I can see that clear as day. Of course you don't want to hold my hand or even look me in the eye when we're in public.

I need to stop seeing you. I'm only hurting myself. The thing is...I don't know if I can. You know every single thing about me. You're one of my best friends. But we can't undo what we've done.

they tell me it's not right

they tell me it's not right

...but i won't stop you from coming over tonight

you're so restless, hard to satisfy

and i don't wanna lose so i'll just have to lie

it's a flavor that i just had to taste

and now i had some, it's too good to waste...

the weekend

friday night, i went mini golfing. julie beat me by one stroke, but i got a hole-in-one. BAM.



saturday i spent all day with a boy, doing things like driving with the windows down, doing crosswords, going to dinner, seeing a play, cuddling, and watching a documentary. i enjoyed every second.


sunday, jilian and i picked up christine from the airport. we decided to be spontaneous and drive around nashville on the dozen intersecting highways. then jil, josh, tyler, nick, julie, and i sat on a blanket outside all day. the weather was perfect. we played uno and passed the guitar around. we told a family how much we loved belmont in hopes that their daughter would come here in the fall. i think these pictures describe the bliss that was sunday.

nine

I spent 9 straight hours with you today. I couldn't stop smiling. Even when you kissed me.

it would've been nice to see you tonight.

texting

you: Friday night deserves better than the caf. Dinner tomorrow night? My treat.
me: That sounds lovely.
you: Wonderful.

it's funny how

it's funny how i start to miss you while you're still here. even when your arm is wrapped around me, i start to miss you. because i know you have to leave eventually.

but i could stay like that forever; with your fingers tracing the lines on my face and our legs intertwined under the blankets. i don't think i'll ever stop missing you...which is unfortunate because you're not even mine to miss.

monday night

i had my head on your chest and you held me so tight.

we flirted with temptation and you kissed my ear.

i wrapped my arm around you and never wanted to let go.

i was so happy.

but eventually you had to leave, and i was sadder than i thought i would be.

just as my smile started to fade,

you pulled me close and gave me the sweetest goodbye kiss.

it's a thunderstorm outside

…the lightning glows between the blinds and the thunder is just loud enough that we both hear it. maybe if it wasn’t 1:00am on a tuesday night we’d be together right now.

maybe we’d hold hands and run in the rain like you promised. maybe i’d fall asleep in your arms as the rain hit the window.

but we’re not together. so your “sleep tight and i’ll see you in the morning” text will just have to do.

saturday night wishes

you picked up your shirt, your shoes. and at 3:04 am, you slipped out the door.

i wish it didn't hurt to watch you go. but it did. i even left your side of the bed open. i wish i didn't.

i also wish a tear didn't fall down my cheek. i wish i didn't miss you. but i did and i still do.

...no strings attached?

One day, something changed between you and me. I don’t know what the trigger was. Maybe it was the handfuls of alcohol-driven text messages or the late nights spent listening to each other breathe. Somewhere along the way, it was deep-rooted in each of us that I meant something to you and you meant something to me.

Our first night. It feels like a dream when I think about it. Not because it was magical or even special, but because I still don’t feel as if it happened. Like you would take the reach toward me. But my head rested so perfectly on your shoulder, and your fingers traced my spine gently. When we breathed in the same rhythm and our minds got tired, you kissed me. It wasn’t gentle and it wasn’t sweet. It was passionate and just what I hoped it would be. For the sixty minutes that followed, I belonged to you and you belonged to me.

We stayed apart for a week. Together we acknowledged that something was happening between us, but we weren’t going to talk about it. I was okay with that. I spent the week wondering what you meant to me and you spent the week with your ex-girlfriend. I was still figuring it all out.

Things were consistent upon our return. I had a stressful day and you invited me to your room. You held me in such a way that I forgot everything else. You kissed me fearlessly, and let me rest my head on your pillow. By now, people noticed there was an “us.” I’m completely comfortable around you and that scares me. You open the door of the car for me, introduce me to all your friends, bring me coffee, and call me “sunshine.”

You don’t even need to charm me anymore. You know what I want, and how to hide it from me. Likewise, I know how to get you all to myself…and that’s exactly what I’m doing. Maybe I deserve better than you, but that doesn’t mean we can’t keep enjoying each other’s company. No. Strings. Attached.

That can’t be possible. The attachment is already there. I see it in your eyes. I feel it in every single kiss. Something makes you stand out. Your skin on mine is just different. One person has never made me feel this way. With you, I surrender my body, my heart, my mind. I feel it all. I’ve spent so many years numb in my ways, and every time you touch me…I wake up.

and at 12:25 in the morning,

...my phone lit up.

"You love it when I call you Sunshine."

I smiled as I typed back, "yes, yes I do."

The response came quickly, and lit up my face more than anything else. "Have you ever heard the song "Sunshine" by Matt Costa? I hum it whenever I'm around you."

there was never

...another so clever as he
pockets hanging deep with silver and gold
better leave him hungry,
when he's full he'll leave me cold
loved with every kind of woman from north to south
loved the east till the west dried
he keeps hanging around,
he's knocking my door down
...but won't tell me why

he just smiles all the while
while the secrets hang
at my window, i let them in so

show me the side i wanna see tonight

he keeps me up on these fences
i don't know when to jump in
or what side i am to trust you with
all your intentions
don't you teach me to learn from lies
just show me a side, a side

some days

There are some days you peer off the Brisbane Bridge
...and think sweet thoughts about the river.
There are some days when the past is just
A maze where you lost yourself
Do you feel that you might waste away?

In the past week or so, I've had lots of these days. Where I struggle with the idea of "worth", and contemplate major life decisions. And the action I could (should?) take. I've watched everything I had slip through my fingers time and time again, so I must be doing something wrong. I'm going to figure it out and fix it.

Maybe I'll move 2,000 miles from here. "Get a job, buy a house, and keep it clean just so." Live in the parameters of convention and never look back. That can't be enough, can it? Watching my friends flip ambiguous red cups onto the counter and laugh off anything they previously believed made me sad. Seeing them so happy made me sad. I wasn't meant for that. There's got to be something else and I'm going to find it.

I'm surrounded by question marks. Nothing seems fulfilling anymore. Literally nothing. The things that brought me happiness in highschool seem empty now. The people I surrounded myself with seem distant. The relationships I had are messy and beyond repair. What I love and who I love are no longer definite.

I just want to live my life honestly.

"i can read people really well,"

he said, turning to look at me in the passenger seat. after a brief pause, he continued.

"but you have an outer layer that i can't get past. i can't always tell what you're thinking. i like that. every moment is a mystery."

he smiled and my face turned red as he said, "that's why i like you so much."

don't pay no mind to my watering eyes

...it must be something in the air that i'm breating


oh and try to ignore all this blood on the floor

it's just this heart on my sleeve that's bleeding

some pray that one day, christ will come a-calling

they light a candle and hope that it glows


i think this is pretty self-explanatory. i feel as if reality has faded into the background for lots of people. and the light of their candle won't fully light their life. but as long as they believe it does, i've got a chance.

big white gate

my body's aching from laying in this bed
went singing in the rain and the cold got to my head
i don't know who's paying...
...i just know what the doctor said

84 years of a sinning life
and in the morning i'll be dead

i have three daughters, a new man for every one
and the only man that i ever loved
he left me with my only son
i was a no-good mother, i was a no-good wife
there's only one thing that i did right in this god-forsaken life

so St. Peter, won't you open up the Big White Gate?
'cause i heard about forgiveness and i hope it ain't too late
no i ain't no holy roller, but you go tell your King
that all the folks up in Heaven might like to hear me sing

i sang to my children before they strayed so far
i sang for my lover for a nickel in a tip jar
i never knew Jesus, i never read the Good Book
but on my day of dying, i'm giving life a second look

St. Peter, won't you open up the Big White Gate?
'cause i heard about forgiveness and i hope it ain't too late
i ain't no holy roller, but you go tell your King
that all the folks up in Heaven might like to hear me sing

it's coming on time now
and my body's getting cold
i got no will, i got no prayer
my story's all been told
i'm ready for a land of fire
but i'd love to see the land of gold
so nurse, bring me my guitar
one more song before i go

St. Peter, won't you open up the Big White Gate?
'cause i heard about forgiveness and i'm hoping that it ain't too late
no i ain't no holy roller, but you go tell your King
that all the folks up in Heaven might like to hear me sing

all the folks up in Heaven might like to hear me sing

this week

here are the pretty solid plans for the week...

MONDAY: online economics homework, The Bachelor is on (i now kind of watch tv)!

TUESDAY: go to Olive Garden and the dollar theater to see Red (starring Bruce Willis and Mary Louise Parker)

WEDNESDAY: The Civil Wars in-store @ Grimey's

THURSDAY: Grace Potter in-store @ Grimey's, Grace Potter @ The Cannery

FRIDAY: Spring Awakening (!!!) and Erinn comes to town!

SATURDAY: Jenny & Tyler play for free downtown

SUNDAY: Madi Diaz @ 3rd & Lindlsey

favorite scene

we'll all be portions for foxes

i know i'm alone if i'm with or without you

but just being around you offers me another form of relief

when the loneliness leads to bad dreams

and the bad dreams lead me to callin' you

and i call you and say, "come here!"


and it's bad news, baby i'm bad news
i'm just bad news, bad news, bad news.


there's a pretty young thing in front of you

and she's real pretty and she's real into you

and then she's sleeping inside you


and the talking leads to touching

and the touching leads to sex

and then there is no mystery left



and it's bad news, i don't blame you

i do the same thing, i get lonely too

and you're bad news, my friends tell me to leave you

YOU'RE BAD NEWS, I DON'T CARE, I LIKE YOU.

you can drive down the 405 to the 101 to my house

these highways are in so many songs

i couldn't count them all...i tried

so much sad history described in a ride

and when i told you i was happy i lied

i lied, i lied, i lied


and i've got vicodin,

do you want to come over?

i know it's a long drive from malibu

i've got a pocketful of pills

...and not one lover

i'm feeling so bad and so good

i don't know what to do.

i just really love this movie

here's part of the original script for the "Bee Charmer" scene from Fried Green Tomatoes. I still love that scene, but I wish this had been what they said...

a little lifechanging

Thursday night I had the opportunity to see the fabulous Lissie perform at the Mercy Lounge here in Nashville. I was so blown away by this girl's talent. I had already listened to and loved her releases Why You Runnin and Catching a Tiger, but getting to see these songs live was something truly amazing. So many of her words hit home with me, and I'm going to share some. Sometimes live music is a little lifechanging.

I'm tired of saying that I won't get lost ever again
Who knows...maybe I will
And everywhere I go, there I'll be
With a rusted old rake in a pile of leaves
Oh my, truly daunting

I feel as if everytime I've made a mistake in life, I tell myself "this is the last time. Get on the right path now." But the truth is, I'm never going to be on the right path. Life is trial and error. There's always a mountain to tackle, and all you have is your bare hands (or a rusty rake).


Fast asleep, where I keep my memories
He's calling me out in dreams, he visits me
What will be; Will I see him again soon?
Why am I so terrified of waking?
He's gone and I feel I've been forsaken
In sleep is the only place I get to see him,
Get to love him, be with him...

I know this couldn't possibly have been Lissie's intention in writing this song, but I can't listen to it without thinking about my dad. It seems as if the only place I can be close my dad is in my dreams. And this chorus is exactly what it's like.



Run, ragged and wrecked
Catchin a tiger, baitin a bully
Was this my idea? Is it a mistake?
Why did you take me here?
Am I too far from home? Am I really all alone?

Walk, child don't run
Go off and have fun, we'll be waiting
Just look before you cross
Take love with the loss
I know it's frustrating

The world is yours, carry your torch
All of us who turned into you
We're sure hoping that you pull on through

Being 500 miles away from home in a new city is exciting and scary at the same time. This song ("Bully") is a combination of my thought process and what I'd like to believe is my mother's.



I said I wanna try it all without regrets
I wanna meet the kind of folks I've never met
People said we'd have to make it on our own
We never thought there'd be a hand to hold
...They're telling our story on the radio

I fell in love with being defiant
In a pickup truck that roared like a lion
And when you're with us you don't have to be quiet no more...

In my final months of highschool, I found the people I could be myself around, and this is how I feel about them. I'm hoping I can find those people here at Belmont too.


I'll fall on my knees...tell me how's the way to be.
Tell me how's the way to go...tell me all that I should know

Danger will follow me everywhere I go
Angels will call on me and take me to my home
This tired mind just wants to be led home

We all want answers and we all want the most out of life. That's safe to say, right?



Thank you Elisabeth Maurus for writing the words that you do.

a texting conversation

Lauren: This guy is dating Mary Louse Parker, FYI
Me: Would you think I'm pathetic if I told you I already know? Ha
Lauren: Hahah no, not at all. I figured BUT JUST IN CASE I wanted to tell you. I want her to be here.
Me: I KNOW. My obsession with her has been a little out of control lately though...don't want it to get out of hand.
Lauren: Hahahahah. I watched all the seasons of Weeds in succession in like two weeks. For some reason it was really comforting.
Me: 1) I did the same thing in one week of winter break. 2) Good to know I'm not the only one 3) I'm glad we're having this conversation within feet of each other
Lauren: Hahha I know! Come to the bar! I guess I find Charlie a little boring :/
Me: Yeah me too...coming!

part of me

I spent Labor Day weekend 2009 in Seattle for many reasons. One of them is that two of my friends got married. I got to know them really well over the past few years, and I was ecstatic that I was invited to share this day with them. On September 4, 2010, Natalie and Wendy stood in front of their family and friends and committed themselves to each other for eternity. I was so moved by the ceremony, and I really want to write about that night.



The celebration afterwards was one of the best nights of my life. I made a toast. I danced. I sang. I smiled (A LOT). I was surrounded by some of the best people I've ever met. They've helped change my life for the better and realize what true happiness was. All of these people mean the world to me. They are part of me. And I know that more than a few people will see this and judge me. That's your choice to do so. These people are my friends and they are beautiful people. I'm never ever going to forget this night.


(some of my favorite people ever)


I really miss this night:






These are my friends. They are the most genuine, sweet, and kind-hearted people in the world. I can only hope to be half as good of a person as each of them are. That night, we had the time of our lives and celebrated the LOVE and COMMITMENT between two of our best friends. If it gets any sweeter than that, I don't want to know.

"wait and see"

A little preface: When I arrived in Nashville, I wasn't really sure where I stood on religion. I simply neglected going to church every weekend. I "overslept" or "had too much homework." The last weekend of first semester, I took my roommate up on an offer to go to church with her. Every Sunday (that I've been in Nashville) since, I've attended Crosspoint Church.

The current theme of sermons in church this winter is "More." AKA, how can we get more out of our lives? More than a mediocre marriage, a job worth getting up for, the best for your family, etc. This briefly touched my belief of the majority of our lives being a "con." Somewhere along the way society fell into the school-job-married-children-retire chain. I honestly don't believe that structure is for everyone. The message of the sermon was "wait and see." Things will come to us in time, and we can't really hurry it along. So much of our lives is getting from point A to point B, and how we can get there faster...

...So I'm going to challenge myself to wait and see. There are so many huge question marks in my life right now. My education, my future career, my relationships, my living situation. I need to step back and in time, the results will come. They may not be what I thought, but they're the cards I'm dealt. I truly believe that God won't give me more than I can't handle. Maybe he could ease it up though?

In review, something inside of me is telling me that I was meant to be at that service on Sunday. So many people close to me are making huge life decisions right now and making a path for themselves. Some higher power made sure I heard the words Pete Wilson had to say on Sunday. And I'm going to make the best of every single one of them. By the way, I still don't know what I'm doing in religion.

I'll close with lyrics by one of my best friends. She articulates it well:

In just an earth's blink
I'll search for my life's link
In just a quick time
I know there's something to find

So I gotta make a change while I'm still here
I gotta be remembered somewhere
I wanna see the world with open eyes
I want to help someone with their life

I love you all more than I could say
We are just one at the end of the day
Life is beyond us, but not the truth
I'll be honest:
I swear I won't fail you.
-Christine Jamra

it's the little things

Within the past week, I've truly appreciated the beauty found in "the little things." I've listed a few...

-Driving to pick up a tv from someone on craigslist in a suburb in Nashville, then driving to 3 different department stores for a long enough cable. Then enjoying a meal and the most perfect conversation.

-To cheer me up, my roommate put a picture of something on a pillow for me to punch

-Waking up to a voicemail from one of my best friends wanting to make sure I was okay

-Driving down 440-W with two of my best friends while listening to loud country music and drinking cherry limeade

-My friend's dad serving us ice cream with apples that had been soaked in brandy (essentially chewing alcohol). The faces we made as we forced ourselves to eat them so as to not hurt his feelings

-Playing a Martin guitar from 1939 and a Steinway piano in a log cabin

-Getting texts that make my face light up, and receiving a package from Seattle, WA

-My roommate making me a flower out of tissue paper

-Wearing my dad's favorite sweatshirt

-Sitting in a car with three people who I know from three different times in my life

-The little girl behind me in church singing at the top of her lungs

-Watching episodes of Weeds with the audio and video out of sync

-Playing Uno...except you make an animal sound when you put down your card

I realized that all of these things make me happier than anything else. These moments and memories are the ones I will cherish forever. I am going to challenge those around me to appreciate these things more.