hiding my heart

i dropped you off at the train station
put a kiss on top of your head
watched you wave, i watched you wave

then i went on home to my sky-scrapers
neon lights and waiting papers
that i call home, i call it home

i wish i could lay down beside you when the day is done
wake up to your face against the morning sun
but like everything i've ever known
you'll disappear one day
so i'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

i woke up feeling heavy hearted
and going back to where i started
morning rain, morning rain

and though i wish that you were near
that same old road that brought me here is calling me home

new game plan

humor me this one last time
i think i just made up my mind
looking at me like a lover does
but it'll never be the way it was

feel that chord that holds us tight
let's unravel it tonight

i wanna loosen up, loosen the knot
the knot that is tying us,
binding us,
keeping us together now

undermining what i do
...no one does it better than you
when you change your attitude
things will change between me and you
but the end is coming, darling
and i'm bringing the news

said i would give it up, toughen up
like it or not...
baby it's all that is stopping us
keeping us together now

humor me this one last time.

my biggest fear

digging a hole
and the walls are caving in behind me
air's getting thin,
i'm trying, i'm breathing in
...come find me

it hasn't felt like this before
it hasn't felt like home before you
i know it's easy to say
but it's harder to feel, this way

i miss you more than i should,
than i thought i could
...can't get my mind off of you

i know you're scared that i'll soon be over it
but that's part of it all
part of the beauty of falling in love with you
is the fear...you won't fall

i hate the phone
but i wish you'd call
i thought that being alone
was better than, better than...

i know it's easy to say
but it's harder to feel, this way
i miss you more than i should
than i thought i could
...can't get my mind off of you

memorial day weekend

been up all night, staring at you
wondering what's on your mind
i've been this way with so many before
...but this feels like the first time

you want the sunrise to go back to bed
i want to make you laugh
mess up my bed with me
kick off the covers, i'm waiting
every word you say,
i think i should write it down
i don't want to forget come daylight
i'm happy to lay here i'm happy to be here
i'm happy to know you

play me a song, your newest one
please leave your taste on my tongue

paperweight, on my back
cover me like a blanket
and no need to worry, that's wasting time
and no need to wonder what's been on my mind
...it's you, it's you

and i give up, i let you win
you win 'cause i'm not counting
you made it back to sleep again
i wonder what you're dreaming

me and you

there was a day that i could sit face-to-face with you
but now that i'm away, i can't sleep the night through

remember the time in your kitchen with wine,
dancing to the tunes of our blues...

i'm going out, i'm gonna make a name for me and you
they can never say i never cared for you
'cause it's just not true

i care for you.

time-lapse lifeline

i'm keeping up, keeping up with the time-lapse lifeline
and they can run, they can run from the font to the last rites
and we can hear, we can hear the first beat to the flat line
i'm keeping up, keeping up with the time-lapse lifeline
and once it's done...

oh we dreamed a life
it was just like that,
and just like that it's done

back it up, back it up, stop, fast-forward, rewind
and watch the sun, watch the moon taking turns in the same sky
and you were dead as the leaves now you're new like the spring-time
back it up, back it up, stop, fast-forward, rewind
and once it's done...

oh we dreamed a life
it was just like that
and just like that it's done

still we stand with the help of a steady hand
capture images of boy and man
...till it's done
and seven years combined is just the flicker of a neon sign
little negatives of hopes refined
till they're done, oh they're done...

oh we dreamed a life
it was just like that
and just like that

and just like that it's done.

the way it is

i can’t believe the mess i’m in
i hope i don’t end as i began
i’m walking on, looking back
speaking a code you cannot crack

oh, what the hell?
i’m clear as a bell
i’m probably screaming it as well

i’ve never been good anyway
i’m not saying things i shouldn’t say
the way it is, i can’t complain
i would love to drive you insane
but i’m not on your mind
it’s in my head
and it’s me who’s insane instead

i’ll count to three, i’ll count to ten
and then i’m never talking again
silence please, won’t you take away
all those stupid words that ruin my day
the way it is, i can’t complain
i would love to drive you insane
but i’m not on your mind
it’s in my head and it’s me who’s insane instead

i’ll be wishing on a random star tonight
you’ll be sleeping under different skies tonight
and i’ll pick you up when you don’t fall
and i’ll come running when you don’t call

the way it is
i can’t complain
i would love to drive you insane
but i’m not on your mind
it’s in my head and it’s me who’s insane instead

i can’t believe the mess i’m in
hope i don’t end as i began

this is how it goes

in the beginning, i thought about every word i sent you. i was nervous to look you in the eyes. i was scared i would eventually do something wrong.

then we were more than comfortable. i could spend hours just being with you. there was no more guessing, no more butterflies, and it was perfect. i enjoyed every minute of it.

but now we’re back where we started. i’m scared i’ll say the wrong thing. scared i talk to you too much. scared that you’re over me. scared that this whole thing was a mistake.

it's distance

It was 8:13pm. We were in the middle of a conversation already, and you interrupted its rhythm. The words filled my screen: “:) miss you.”

I would’ve bet money that you would never tell me that. I couldn’t see you admitting such an emotion. I paused and replied that it was mutual. After I sent my reply, I couldn’t help but wonder if you regretted your admittance.

last night in nashville

Today I took two finals. I drank two Red Bulls and packed up my entire room. I fit nine months of my life into the trunk of my 1991 Volvo. All that livin' in two semesters, and the boxes are all that remain.

When the sun went down, Jilian and I drove to Zach & Josh's. When we walked in, The Office was on tv and Zach was making omelets. Zach, Josh, Dave, Rachel, Jil and I told stories about highschool. We went into the yard and opened two bottles of champagne, shooting the corks across the street. The semester was over. We were another year older, and another year wiser. We laughed over our drinks, and ate ice cream from a huge tub. Secretly, each of us was in denial that we'd be returning to our respective cities in only a few hours.

As the night reached a lull, we dragged living room furniture onto the front porch of the house. It was a perfect 75 degrees, and the moon was a dull light. Zach lit 3 cigars and we passed them around. It was Jil's first time and she didn't choke. We clapped for her. Rachel took pictures with a vintage camera. The sweet vanilla smoke rolled off the porch and down Granny White Pk, past the park, and into the night.

We reflected on our first year of college, and how the next three years would change us. Before we knew it, it was past 2:00am. The hardest thing to do was to walk out that kitchen door. To say bye to the people that had been my life for the past year. But I grabbed my car keys and drove back to campus. I sang along to my favorite Sara Bareilles record with the windows down. It wasn't long before I realized a tear ran down my cheek as I pulled into the parking garage for the last time.

last kiss

It was 8:30 in the morning. We had woken up forty minutes prior, with smiles on our faces. We then rolled around in your bed as quietly as we could, laughing at how 'rebellious' we were to break the rules. Then, with my hand on your chest and your arm around my waist, you leaned into me. I think that was our last kiss.

lock and key

“He was not my boyfriend. On the other hand, he wasn’t just a friend either. Instead, our relationship was elastic, stretching between those two extremes depending on who else was around, how much either of us had to drink, and other varying factors. This was exactly what I wanted, as commitments had never really been my thing. And it wasn’t like it was hard, either. The only trick was never giving more than you were willing to lose.”

-Sarah Dessen, Lock and Key

your friends are sorry for me

they watch you pretend to adore me

...but i'm no fool to this game

now here comes your secret lover

she'll be unlike any other

until your guilt goes up in flames

did you know when you go

it's the perfect ending to the bad day

i'd gotten used to spending

when you go, all i know

is you're my favorite mistake.

it's a lovesick mistake

oh, here goes my curious sinner within...

is someone listening?

i hope no one is listening

how do i slow down?

i can't relate to my heart now

i've thrown what i've known

is it enough for me out?

i'm running on empty

i've gotta find somewhere

fumble right through this new heartache

that's torn me apart

oh lovesick mistake, turn me away.

darling if i'm honest

if i'm honest,
you've been on my mind all day
and lately,
if i'm honest,
i can't bring myself to think no other way

i've been doing all kinds of reckless things
to forget your face
going out on the town,
spreading around all that love i kept for you

but no one touches me like you used to
it's a shame, but it's true
nobody loves me the way that you used to

darling,
i've been moving,
through seas of faces hoping to meet your stare
dancing,
towards any strangers who have your crazy eyes
or wavy golden hair

i've been trying all kinds of useless ways
just to push it all down
like spinning around,
spinning around, till i fall straight to the ground

but no one touches me like you used to
it's a shame, but it's true
nobody holds me the way that you used to

so i painted over all the cracks
but now your paint is peeling back

it's a shame, but true
nobody loves me the way that you used to

breathe again

all i have, all i need

he's the air i would kill to breathe

holds my love in his hands

but still i am searching for something

out of breath, i am left hoping

someday i will breathe again.

everything that weighs us down

and all the things we won't let go

when we try to throw them out to sea

...we learn they're heavier than we ever knew

here's a secret

so many people have told me that i'm one of the strongest people they know. that my strength is inspiring.

but i'm not strong at all. i'm so very weak. example? today i sobbed uncontrollably in my car because i was so overwhelmed. there are hundreds of things boiling inside of me. they bubble over and seep into my blood. the only thing i do right is my facade.

that's right. i'm a master at making it seem like i've got it all together.

i'm blushing on the inside,

...it's those damn green eyes.

i'm surprised how this fits together

i'm surprised how we fit together

and that i will remember.