my life at this moment

it's not the end of the world,
it's not even over, but it will be soon
i never learned my lessons, i just changed my tune
no one seems to notice, but you will

it's no big deal,
but the last thing i think of when i close my eyes
and the first thing on my mind when i rise
it is that day when you're not really in my life

you can try and you won't find it where you're looking
you can't hold it till it's putty in your hands
you can't break a heart that wasn't even yours to break
you could never be there for me in the end
and i will do the right thing...
...i will

you're not fooling me,
i'm not the sort of girl who can't see reason
but it's nothing that a little bit of time won't heal
i know it don't come easy, but i love you, i do

coming clean
means never closing curtains, i just change my scene
oh but you know what i mean
and i will learn throughout my life
to never lean on what will bend

i can try and you won't find it where i'm looking
i can't hold it till it's putty in my hands
you can't break a heart that wasn't even yours to break
you could never be there for me in the end
and i will do the right thing...
...i will

i don't think you ever learned a thing from me
but i'm sure that you want me to learn from you
and you've drawn heavy-handed lines around morality
about yourself and i don't share your point of view

it's been time to let you go a thousand times
you'll never know that it hurts to be the one you'd regret
i have to say that i'm proud to know you
...and i'll never be the same because we met

you might not miss this,
but i will

so. much. stress.

I was in hysterics tonight. Laughing myself to tears because I was so stressed. School interviews, trying to find classes to register for in the morning, writing a paper in spanish, and studying for an oral exam. I suddenly felt overwhelmed and wanted to curl up. Then receiving texts from my family at home made my blood pressure rise, and I literally couldn't wrap my mind around the pain and stress that had overcome me. I had to actually remind myself to breathe.

It's midnight (or 3 minutes after), and I'm going to just take a shower and go to sleep. I want to break down sobbing, but I'm stronger than that. I'll wake up at 6:30, register for classes, and start studying. Then I'll turn in my paper and take my exam. It'll be over with. Until I start working on all of my homework due monday.

A very special woman (who happens to be my mother and one of my best friends) once told me to take the elephant one bite at a time. That's exactly what I'm going to do. That woman means the world to me, and if she believes in me, that's all I need.

it was nice

walking through the wind to find your car

driving for ten minutes downtown and back

and talking like we've known each other for years

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

we've never shared such genuine smiles

and i think it finally occurred to you

just how far away i'd be in two weeks time

and just how close our hearts really were

monday night

"can i have some tea?"

was all it took for you to come over.

deep down, i was still so angry at you.

still, i put my head on your shoulder.

and we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

you held me so tight and played with my hair.

and i can't believe i let you kiss me.

i can't believe we breathed in just as we did before.

...considering i'm not the girl for you anymore.

gonna get over you

.
goodbye,
i should be sayin' that to you, now shouldn't i?
laying down a law that i live by
...maybe next time.

i've got a thick tongue,
brimming with the words that go unsung
i simmer then i burn for a someone
...the wrong one

i tell myself to let the story end
and my heart will rest in someone else's hand
but why not me? philosophy began
and i said:

how am i gonna get over you?
i'll be alright, just not tonight
and someday i wish you'd want me to stay
i'll be alright, just not tonight
someday...

maybe,
it's a vicious little word that could slay me
keep me where i'm hurting,
you make me hang from your hands

but no more,
i won't beg for a shot at your back door
if i'm makin it at the thought of you, what for?
that's not me anymore

and i'm not the girl that i intend to be
but i dare you darling, wait and see
this time not for you, just for me

how am i gonna get over you?

these are feelings lingering

you feel it break down, makes you stay wide-awake
…this is how a heart breaks

Heartbreak. It happens to everyone. I should consider myself lucky that I made it nineteen whole years without ever feeling emotionally attached to someone. Then you came along and screwed it all up. I wasn't in love, I wasn't looking for anything serious. I was lonely and so were you. And then I felt it. I ached whenever you left and yearned to kiss you one more time. I couldn't get you out of my mind.

I have never felt the kind of hurt I feel right now. It's far worse than any physical pain I could be put through. My feelings weren't worth anything to you. "I value you as a friend" is one of the worst sentences I've ever heard. Oh, and "I thought we weren't going to define [what we're doing]." Right. We weren't. But that was when I wanted someone, anyone. Now I wanted you. Fire in my heart, blood on your hands.

I would've been okay with whatever fling we conjured up, except for the fact that it was obvious I wasn't the only one in your life. I could see that clear as day. I was so blind that you were as far as I could see. I lost interest in everyone else. But you're still crazy about her. I know you are. Why did you lead me on? It seems as though she's always been a part of your life, and it disgusts me that you dared to try and stack your cards.

One person has never made me so happy and so sad. I love you more than I understand, but I hate you more than any person that's ever laid a hand on me. I exposed myself to you entirely, and you just turned away. How can you still lay down next to me at night and feel nothing?

I wish I felt nothing. Sometimes, when you kissed me, I wanted to cry. You broke over me like a wave, and occasionally it was more than I could take. The ways in which you touched me sent electricity through my veins.

If I could pretend to fall a little out of love with you…I can't. It's very clear to me that I need to stop this now, because It's really just a lose-lose situation. Why keep torturing myself? The thing is, I can't even imagine letting you go. The things we did cannot be undone.

So yes, this is a broken heart. No, I'm not naive or a little "confused." I'm torn up and upset, all because I decided to let you in. I'll learn from you, though. So that I do remember to never go that far, could you leave me with a scar?

but life's too short

if it works, then it works

...let it go

and i'm sorry i ever got you started

when it rains, it pours, and it shows

mornings

maybe i should have you over in the morning more often. we start the day off right. you give me a smile to wear for the rest of the day, and i give you one right back. and even when you leave, you leave your smell with me. in my hair, on my lips, on my clothes. it's the sweetest thing...

punch him or laugh?

him: just texting another one of my hoes...
me: woooooow.
him: sorry. you're the only one.
him: sorry again. ALSO, you are not a hoe.
him: seriously though you're the only girl i'm with.

every single time

every single time you text me, i catch myself smiling.

good feelings

it's a truly amazing feeling to fall asleep next to someone.

knowing that there is nowhere else you want to be.

just listening to them breathe as you feel their heartbeat.

but i think it's an even better feeling to wake up to them smiling.

this morning at breakfast

i looked at you and said, "people often tell me to be careful--"

and before i could even finish, you said: "with me? you should be careful with me."

i swallowed hard. you knew exactly what i meant.

you continued, "and you are."

you make me merry,

you make me very very happy

but you obviously didn't want to stick around

...so i'll learn from you.

you got a vibe so hot

and every day without you is just a waste of time
you're the first thing on my mind when i wake up
you're the last thing i think of when i go to sleep
i'm throwin' you my love, so pick it up

and you can have me anytime you want...

i want you now,
i want you right now.

i want to hook you up
boy, i'm gonna set you on fire
i wanna turn your volume up
and listen to you all day long

isn't funny how you just keep runnin' into me
i've been listening to your music for awhile

and you can have me really anytime you want...

public displays of affection are for couples in love.

private displays of affection are for lonely people.

"filling quotas"

tonight we went to dinner. you tried to pay for my meal and i wouldn't let you. i hate that i couldn't stop smiling.

afterwards, you followed me to my room. we watched a two-hour documentary about wilco. you know how to relieve all my stress. i hate the way you held me so close.

then i remembered that we're just filling each other's quotas. and we'll never be anything more. and i think i hate that, too.

are we breakin' up?

are we breakin' up?

is there trouble between you and i?

did my heart break enough,

did it break enough this time?

just write it out.

I'm dealing with a lot of emotions right now. I can't seem to make up my mind about anything, and keeping it all pent up in my head is driving me insane. So I'm going to do what I do best...write about it.

And my head told my heart,
"Let love grow,"
But my heart told my head,
"This time no,
This time no."

I'm not going to censor or edit this, I'm just going to keep writing. So here we go. Every single relationship I've been in, I've worked extremely hard to numb my emotions. To not get attached. To not feel anything. So when it's all over, I don't get hurt. That worked pretty well for me. But then you swept in. I'm still not entirely sure what made you come after me, but you did. And maybe you were genuinely interested then...but I didn't fill your expectations.

Then we saw each other more. I told you practically everything I had to tell. I started to wonder if I was interested. Then you changed your mind at the drop of a hat, and you wrote me to tell me you had a girlfriend. A split-second decision. You said you would complain to me the whole time, because it would end up not working out. I couldn't even begin to comprehend why you would start a relationship, knowing that it wouldn't work from day one.

Well, that "relationship" lasted maybe ten days. It plummeted to the ground, and I was still beyond angry and confused. It never crossed my mind that you were the one at fault. She was the victim. Last night, 'she' saw you and me together. We didn't look her way. Moments later, she happened to update her twitter. "#waitaminute, she deserves better than you. I only wish I could tell her myself." There's no way I can convince myself that that's not a coincidence.

I was convinced I had been "friend-zoned." Then the night before spring break, you invited me to your room. We were going to go a whole week without seeing each other. The room got really quiet and you kissed me. An hour later, I fixed my hair, found my shoes, grabbed my keys, and left. I had no idea what was going to happen next.

I spent the week in the Florida sun trying to make sense of everything. If you really wanted a relationship, you'd approach it like one. And that's definitely not what we were doing. But I couldn't stop thinking about you. Even the guys in hot tubs that asked for my number couldn't wipe my memory of you. At the exact same time, you spent the week in bed with your ex-girlfriend. I figured it was a one-time thing for us.

But we returned and everything was normal. I made the decision to use you, so I would never feel like I was being used myself. I called you when I was lonely, and you showed up in seconds. It was perfect. Then the very same ex came to visit. Three whole days in which you pretended I didn't exist. But you had the nerve to introduce me to her. You had the nerve to force me to shake her hand, and then sleep in my bed later that night.

Then you caught me. I let my guard down, and you swept right in. We kissed, we touched, and I felt it all. I got so caught up in everything that I blinded myself. I fell for you, and I fell hard. I didn't want to. It seemed like you were all that I had.

But you didn't feel the same. You liked everything the way it was. It was emotionally draining...to spend all night tangled up in you, then sit across from you at lunch the next day, surrounded by our friends who know nothing of what we do when the lights go out. We pretended that nothing happened. And I hated it.

I don't think you want to lose your bachelor title. You've got it made right now, and I can see that clear as day. Of course you don't want to hold my hand or even look me in the eye when we're in public.

I need to stop seeing you. I'm only hurting myself. The thing is...I don't know if I can. You know every single thing about me. You're one of my best friends. But we can't undo what we've done.

they tell me it's not right

they tell me it's not right

...but i won't stop you from coming over tonight

you're so restless, hard to satisfy

and i don't wanna lose so i'll just have to lie

it's a flavor that i just had to taste

and now i had some, it's too good to waste...

the weekend

friday night, i went mini golfing. julie beat me by one stroke, but i got a hole-in-one. BAM.



saturday i spent all day with a boy, doing things like driving with the windows down, doing crosswords, going to dinner, seeing a play, cuddling, and watching a documentary. i enjoyed every second.


sunday, jilian and i picked up christine from the airport. we decided to be spontaneous and drive around nashville on the dozen intersecting highways. then jil, josh, tyler, nick, julie, and i sat on a blanket outside all day. the weather was perfect. we played uno and passed the guitar around. we told a family how much we loved belmont in hopes that their daughter would come here in the fall. i think these pictures describe the bliss that was sunday.

nine

I spent 9 straight hours with you today. I couldn't stop smiling. Even when you kissed me.

it would've been nice to see you tonight.

texting

you: Friday night deserves better than the caf. Dinner tomorrow night? My treat.
me: That sounds lovely.
you: Wonderful.

it's funny how

it's funny how i start to miss you while you're still here. even when your arm is wrapped around me, i start to miss you. because i know you have to leave eventually.

but i could stay like that forever; with your fingers tracing the lines on my face and our legs intertwined under the blankets. i don't think i'll ever stop missing you...which is unfortunate because you're not even mine to miss.

monday night

i had my head on your chest and you held me so tight.

we flirted with temptation and you kissed my ear.

i wrapped my arm around you and never wanted to let go.

i was so happy.

but eventually you had to leave, and i was sadder than i thought i would be.

just as my smile started to fade,

you pulled me close and gave me the sweetest goodbye kiss.