just write it out.

I'm dealing with a lot of emotions right now. I can't seem to make up my mind about anything, and keeping it all pent up in my head is driving me insane. So I'm going to do what I do best...write about it.

And my head told my heart,
"Let love grow,"
But my heart told my head,
"This time no,
This time no."

I'm not going to censor or edit this, I'm just going to keep writing. So here we go. Every single relationship I've been in, I've worked extremely hard to numb my emotions. To not get attached. To not feel anything. So when it's all over, I don't get hurt. That worked pretty well for me. But then you swept in. I'm still not entirely sure what made you come after me, but you did. And maybe you were genuinely interested then...but I didn't fill your expectations.

Then we saw each other more. I told you practically everything I had to tell. I started to wonder if I was interested. Then you changed your mind at the drop of a hat, and you wrote me to tell me you had a girlfriend. A split-second decision. You said you would complain to me the whole time, because it would end up not working out. I couldn't even begin to comprehend why you would start a relationship, knowing that it wouldn't work from day one.

Well, that "relationship" lasted maybe ten days. It plummeted to the ground, and I was still beyond angry and confused. It never crossed my mind that you were the one at fault. She was the victim. Last night, 'she' saw you and me together. We didn't look her way. Moments later, she happened to update her twitter. "#waitaminute, she deserves better than you. I only wish I could tell her myself." There's no way I can convince myself that that's not a coincidence.

I was convinced I had been "friend-zoned." Then the night before spring break, you invited me to your room. We were going to go a whole week without seeing each other. The room got really quiet and you kissed me. An hour later, I fixed my hair, found my shoes, grabbed my keys, and left. I had no idea what was going to happen next.

I spent the week in the Florida sun trying to make sense of everything. If you really wanted a relationship, you'd approach it like one. And that's definitely not what we were doing. But I couldn't stop thinking about you. Even the guys in hot tubs that asked for my number couldn't wipe my memory of you. At the exact same time, you spent the week in bed with your ex-girlfriend. I figured it was a one-time thing for us.

But we returned and everything was normal. I made the decision to use you, so I would never feel like I was being used myself. I called you when I was lonely, and you showed up in seconds. It was perfect. Then the very same ex came to visit. Three whole days in which you pretended I didn't exist. But you had the nerve to introduce me to her. You had the nerve to force me to shake her hand, and then sleep in my bed later that night.

Then you caught me. I let my guard down, and you swept right in. We kissed, we touched, and I felt it all. I got so caught up in everything that I blinded myself. I fell for you, and I fell hard. I didn't want to. It seemed like you were all that I had.

But you didn't feel the same. You liked everything the way it was. It was emotionally draining...to spend all night tangled up in you, then sit across from you at lunch the next day, surrounded by our friends who know nothing of what we do when the lights go out. We pretended that nothing happened. And I hated it.

I don't think you want to lose your bachelor title. You've got it made right now, and I can see that clear as day. Of course you don't want to hold my hand or even look me in the eye when we're in public.

I need to stop seeing you. I'm only hurting myself. The thing is...I don't know if I can. You know every single thing about me. You're one of my best friends. But we can't undo what we've done.